Review: Five Window Seats Ranked by a Professional Sitter

Our resident critic, Captain Dapple, has spent four months testing the window seats of the house. He has now delivered his report, which was dictated in his sleep and transcribed by an intern. We present it here, with minor changes to the snoring.

Fifth place: the bathroom window

This seat offers a view of a wall. It is also too small for a cat of any ambition. The ledge is damp, the glass is frosted, and the only sound is a dripping tap. Captain Dapple gave it one star, and said the tap was “emotionally manipulative”.

Fourth place: the bedroom sill

A fine seat, with a good view of the street and a soft curtain for hiding behind. However, it is cold in the morning, and the owner sleeps nearby, which restricts one’s range of comments. Two stars.

Third place: the stairs window

The stairs window is unusual, being placed halfway up the staircase, so that a cat can sit above the world and below the rest of the house. The light is good in the afternoon. The seat is narrow. A cat who falls asleep here may wake at the bottom, which is a surprise. Three stars.

Second place: the kitchen sill

Warm, busy and fragrant. The kitchen window offers a view of the garden, the bird table, and the person at the sink. It is also the best place to be fed. Captain Dapple awarded it four stars, with a note: “good, but not quiet”.

First place: the living room bay

The bay window is the pride of the house. It is wide, flat and lined with a cushion that was bought for the cat and has never been used by anyone else. The sun arrives at 2 PM, as promised, and remains until a quarter to five. The view is excellent. The silence is perfect. Captain Dapple gave it five stars and a yawn.

Criteria

Our rankings are based on the following:

• Warmth.
• View.
• Softness.
• Distance from the nearest human.
• The number of insects available for observation.

Conclusion

A good seat is a place you can forget yourself. The living room bay is such a place. We recommend it without reservation, and with our full permission to ignore everything else on this list.